I was feeling miserable, I still feel miserable, and the new layout of xanga is not helping. It use to be so easy to just blog about something, but somehow i think they tried to make this a fusion between myspace, facebook and some online blog. Once again everything is different again. I usually blog getting out of relationships and this is no different. At least the relationship is really over yet I suppose. So I guess let me talk about the guy. Typing out everything I liked and disliked about him is going to help me cope with the loss I suppose, lol or the impending lost that is. I met him about 5 years ago at the coffee shop I use to work at. When I first saw him I thought he was cute but a trouble maker. He was with a group of friends and they were throwing spit balls or small wads of paper at me from where they were sitting. I knew they were up to something but I was oblivious to the paper throwing until my coworker yelled at them. She told them to stop and that I had a boyfriend. He was cute. I really liked his the mole he had on his left cheek. Even tho he hated it, it's what made me notice and remember him. I thought he was really handsome and I liked the long black coat he was wearing. He really looked very GQ. He was also at that point the only Asian guy I knew who had semi long hair. His friends were intimidating. Seeing a group of guys like that together is sorta scary to me. When I see groups of guys like that I actually get kind of scared inside. It's because I'm afraid of all the mean things they would be saying or judging about the women around them. Chuckles are especially scary. It turns out that that guy also drove a motorcycle. Now I know myself and for the longest time I always thought the vision of a man and a bike with his leather jacket and attitude was very macho and sexy. I liked it a lot but I never really felt like the kind of girl a guy like that would be into. I wasn't a bombshell, I'm not a rebel, I'm not the girl nextdoor or the innocent goodgirl. I'm just normal, plain, simple, weird, me. He would come in by himself or with a friend who also had a bike. Together the two looked like super cool guys from some Japanese anime. The one with red was a caucasian guy who look a tad like Christain Bale, and the asian guy, to me, looked a bit like Takeshi Kaneshiro. Oh wells, a girl can dream can't she? He would walk in and I would hear some bad ass theme play like the one from Kill Bill. They would come up to the register and order their drinks. I would be so intimidated, and I think somewhere deep down, sad. I felt like such a mouse in comparison. They were very nice. I took their orders, they were polite. I never thought he would ever have the slightest interests in me. I still to this day, do not remember how it was we started talking about anime or the Japanese language, but it became somewhat of a starting point. I would be so excited if I would see him walking in and for the brief two minutes he would give me, I felt validated. I had his attention, I get to talk to him. He knew I existed. I was scared at the same time that the more he would look at me the more he would see on me that he didn't like. The same thing I do to myself. When I glance into a mirror and I look at myself I see a normal girl. The longer I stand there, the more things about myself I notice and dislike, make note to change, or wish to change or wish to not have. I stand there and look at my eyes and think, I wish they were farther apart. I look at my nose and wish it prettier. I look at my lips and wish they were fuller. I look at the shape of my face and wish it was like a girl or celebrity I thought was beautiful. I look at myself as a whole and think, I wish I was someone better. But no, I'm stuck being me. Stuck being the very best me I can, and in the end I feel like that's not good enough. Despite my crush I was in a relationship with a good person that was dying. I can't exactly say what it was that was killing the relationship, but I suspect it had something to do with my sheltered exisitance and my maturity level. I wanted to see what else was out there. I was mad that the person I was with was a man but seldom acted like one. In the end of that relationship I had turned into a brat. In all honesty I probably needed a nice slap on the face and a wake up call. Never got one. He wasn't the type of person that I needed anyhow. I wasn't for him. Then one day my crush asked me out. I was taken aback. We were chatting and I think he asked me out. Even to this day I replay the event and think to myself, did he really just ask me out or am I reading into this too much. He said, "If you're ever free sometime, would you like to hang out and do something? Anything?..." I was shocked. I was so scared I wanted to hide under the counter. I don't know but I thought I was going to explode. In retrospec I think my inner reaction was abit much, but it was the first time that I had liked someone and they had actually asked me out. Like a moron I just stood there. I didn't have much time to think about what I was saying because I was too scared and surprised, that I kept repeating, "You mean like watching anime right? Just anime right? Anime?" I needed to make some reason to myself as to why this was happening. I couldn't accept the fact that perhaps this guy was talking to me and maybe asking me out because he was indeed attracted to me as well. Part of me even suspected that this was some sort of joke. My answer I believe weirded the guy out a bit since it ended with him saying, "sure" and him walking away. I wanted to kick myself. But what was I going to say? Yes? Besides the obvious, I was not capable of saying yes. After that incident, I would see him but it's like he never asked me out. I was sad but I was also thinking maybe it was some sort of joke. I wanted to know the truth, so I gave me my number. He never called me, or at least I thought he never did. After that I would see him and I was a bit hurt at him but I never brought it up. I figured he had my number, if he wanted to talk he would have called. He never did, well, at least he had my number. I felt stupid and embarrassed. Of course he would never really be interested in my, who was I kidding right? Myself. I saw him less and less. Then one day he seemed to stop coming in. I asked his brother what had happened to him. He said he was hit by a forklift but that he was okay. It was shocking to hear and I wondered how he was doing. But life goes on and I didn't see him anymore. Everytime I would see his brother I would alway kind of hope I would hear about him. Then one day, he started coming in again. He was always studying and reading. Transactions were always brief. He was still friendly but he just bought his drink and would leave. No more chatting. I was sad, I figured, he must have a girlfriend by now, I still enjoyed seeing him tho. One night I was working with a coworker who also played a game called "World of Warcraft" like I did. We were talking about someone when he walked up to the counter. He listend of a bit and then he bent over the counter and was laughing and was saying that he use to be into the game too. We asked him what class he played and what server he was on. He was of course a warrior. I had forgotton what server he was on since it wasn't mine. A warrior. I was very intrigued that he even played. I wanted to ask him what he thought about the game, if he played other classes, what he thought about the new upcoming expansion. I had a million questions about the game I wanted to ask him and one important personal question I would like to ask. He stayed in to study that night and when I got my break I thought I might be able to sit with him and ask him some questions for a bit. I was still shy but I figured he wouldn't mind a fellow gamer chatting with him for 30 or so minutes. I walked over carefully reading his body language. I figured if he looked uneasy I wouldn't sit down, but if not I guess he wouldnt mind right? Well when he saw me coming over he asked me if i was going on break and I was like yes and I asked if he would mind if I bugged him for a bit. He was very sweet and moved his things off a seat so I could see down and chat. Will finish later. I have a headache. Need to lay down. | 
